New Rules : Michael Jackson, Hot Tubs Without Borders

New Rule: Restaurant restroom sinks must not be so trendy that I can't figure out how to turn them on. Do I wave my hand in front of an electronic eye? Is it voice activated? Does it scan my retina? I know these sinks are supposed to be the state of the art in hygiene, but the guy next to me is peeing in his.

New Rule: Stop referring to Sarah Palin as a renegade. A renegade is someone who rebels against convention. What is Sarah Palin rebelling against? Grammar? Wildlife? Sports analogies? Face it, Sarah, you only rebelled against one thing in your life: family planning.

New Rule: Between the "Ice Road Truckers," the show about lumberjacks and the show about a pawn shop, The History Channel must change its name to the "Poor Life Choices Network." What's next? "Porn Shop Janitors"?

And finally, New Rule: All the good news stories have to stop breaking while I'm on vacation! You know, I go away for a mere three weeks to work with my charity, Hot Tubs Without Borders--I've asked Jason to be on the board many times--and Karl Malden dies and also Michael Jackson. The most famous white lady to die since Princess Diana.

And one question gnawed at me the whole time: why, why did America lose its collective shit over Michael Jackson?! And then, like Michael's father, Joe, it hit me. Michael Jackson IS AMERICA!

We love him so much because he reflects our nation perfectly: fragile, over-indulgent, childish, in debt, on drugs and over the hill.

Now, let me state clearly, I don't wish my country was all of these bad things. I just don't want to be like one of those people Michael Jackson had around him, the ones who just tell you you're great and that your destructive behavior is totally normal, and they give you whatever you want. You know: doctors.

So, let's go down the list and see if I'm crazy, or if, indeed, America is unfortunately all the things Michael Jackson was.

Is America fragile? Well, what do you think would happen if there was another terrorist attack here? I'll tell you what would happen. We'd repeal the rest of the Bill of Rights, forget about health care, elect Toby Keith president--and fire me again.

Are we fragile? The stock ticker in Times Square yesterday said, "What the f*ck are you looking at?"

Over-indulgent. I defy anyone to watch ten minutes of "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV and not want to strap on a vest and blow up that little snot's birthday party.

Did you know that a third of children in America are overweight? Michael Jackson didn't have a heart attack. His play date rolled over on him.

Childish. Well, we think "Harry Potter" is literature and Batman movies are profound meditations on the human condition. Our morning coffee has become a milkshake with whipped cream. And 64% of the people believe Noah's Ark actually happened.

And what could be more childish than what our news media chooses to cover? My God, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea what's going on with Jon and Kate!

In debt. Please, this week, the deficit --that's just what we've run up for the year -- went over one trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, take what your home is now worth and add one trillion dollars.

On drugs. If you don't think America has got a drug problem, you must be high. Children are on Prozac. Athletes are on steroids. The pharmaceutical industry sold $291 billion worth of pills last year. Mostly to Michael Jackson, okay, but still. And that's not counting the potheads and the drinkers. Yes, America is on drugs.

And, by the way, people also do just as much coke as they ever did. They just don't share it anymore.

And finally, is America over the hill? I don't know. I hope not. But, Monday is the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong first setting foot on the moon. And I can't think of any ambitious goal we've reached since then. It's sad when your peak was a moon walk that occurred decades ago.

So America faces a choice. We can go the Michael route and keep living on debt and the world's affection for our early work, or we can get our shit together like Britney Spears--put on our circus costume and go out there and show the world we've still got it!

Collected from HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher

With the passing of Michael Jackson, the world suddenly lost interest in his reported sins, and became fixated on his burial.
We live in a twisted, sick, disturbed society.

Sex Kitten Stephen

With the Comedy Central cameras off, one of Charleston’s most popular favorite sons settled in behind the podium at the commencement for graduates at the Medical University of South Carolina.Stephen Colbert, whose father was academic vice president at the university in the early ’70s, did not bring his famous alter-ego: the excitable faux talk show pundit of The Colbert Report. Instead, he provided sentimental memories of his dad and the times they spent on campus.
Colbert did make one reference to the character that has launched a thousand fan sites; a failed, comedic presidential campaign; and a New York Times bestseller.
“Traditionally commencement speakers dole out advice on life and careers to students,” he said. “But I’ve made my career as an aggressively ignorant blowhard with a dismissive attitude toward knowledge in general and to science in particular. So, clearly I have no business in giving you any advice.”
And yet, he did. But first he summed up the student experience, gross medical mysteries and all.
“In the last four years you’ve gone from ‘I don’t want to see that,’ to ‘Hey, come look at this,’” he said.
There’s also that introduction to the requisite cadaver.
“That was awkward I have to imagine,” Colbert said. “But you got used to it. Pretty soon you were calling him Ricky. Making him your Facebook photo.”
There’s those relationships that just will never be the same.
“Your pick-up line may be ‘I love you baby,’” he said. “But inside you’re thinking, ‘Proximity to you triggers the release of phenylethamine from my hypothalamus which in turn triggers extra cellular dopamine and suffuses me with a sense of arousal and well being, reinforced by my evolutionary response to your facial symmetry, part of a hard-wired drive to produce adaptive offspring, baby.’”
He gave a shout out to pharmacists.
“How would you have graduated without them?” he asked, prompting laughter and cheers from the pharmacy graduates. “Who was your favorite study partner? Ritalin? Adorale? Provigil? Anyone have a whole study group? Besides giving me an honorary degree, I’m hoping you can also give me an honorary prescription pad. I heard if you mix OxyContin and Cialis, it gives you heat vision.”
By the end, Colbert got back to the advice.
“Whenever I honestly, sincerely give young people advice … the most common thing I say is go make mistakes. The best thing I ever did was to give myself permission to be wrong,” he said. “I can’t really give you that advice. It’s irresponsible for me to tell graduates of a medical college to go out and make as many mistakes as you can.”
So he encourage the students to, instead, lower patient expectations.
“When they walk into the examination room for the first time maybe you should be wearing the gown,” he said. “When they call you doctor, giggle.”
And if that doesn’t work?
“You just tell them at your graduation, Stephen Colbert reminded you that you are humans and, as such, you always have the right to fail,” he said.
Colbert received an honorary degree. Below are additional photos of the sash and degree presentations, as well as Colbert's guiding of a choral "Happy Birthday," to celebrate his recent 45th.

NEW YORK - Stephen Colbert slayed the competition in a “Shred Off” with the Decemberists — or at least he claimed to have.
Wednesday night’s “Colbert Report” on Comedy Central was dedicated entirely to a guitar-solo contest between the mock-news pundit and the indie-rock band, who were represented by lead guitarist Chris Funk.
The special grew out of a tongue-in-cheek feud begun by Colbert when the Decemberists asked their fans to add in the background of a music video they filmed in front of a green screen — which Colbert claimed “rode on the coattails” of his show’s earlier “Green Screen Challenge.”

Decemberists singer-songwriter Colin Meloy countered with a proposed guitar duel — which on Wednesday attracted an absurd array of guests.
The show was opened by Morley Safer of “60 Minutes,” and included appearances by Henry Kissinger, New York Governor-elect Eliot Spitzer, Peter Frampton, Cheap Trick’s Rick Nielsen, rock critic Anthony DeCurtis, producer Jim Anderson and Apples in Stereo’s Robert Schneider.
When it came time for Colbert to showcase his six-string prowess, he comically donned a five-necked guitar and promptly faked a cut on his hand. His call for a guitarist to stand in for the Colbert Nation was answered by Frampton.
After judges DeCurtis and Anderson split in their decision and Spitzer recused himself because of an attempted bribe from Colbert — the contest turned to Kissinger to break the deadlock.
“Tonight, I think the American people won,” the diplomat said via satellite.
Colbert, whose character considers himself the voice of the people, took that as an endorsement of victory. While the celebration began, he apologized that the star-studded affair didn’t have time for all of its guests.
“I would also like to apologize to Nelson Mandela and J.D. Salinger,” he deadpanned. “I’m sorry we did not have time, gentlemen. Please join us another night.”
© 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

According to the AP:

Comedian Stephen Colbert will take his show, The Colbert Report, to the Persian Gulf on a USO entertainment tour, saying it will be the "closest I've ever come to being brave." In an appearance on the "Late Show with David Letterman" on Thursday, Colbert said he was invited by General David Petraeus, head of US Central Command, to entertain US troops in Iraq. Although American entertainers have long taken part in United Service Organizations tours, the Colbert visit will be the first TV show "to produce more than one episode in a combat zone," Comedy Central said in a press release. Colbert told Letterman that he had gone through "basic training" for his upcoming trip. "I did basic training. I went down to Fort Jackson in South Carolina," he said. "And I did the entire eight hours of basic training." "I got yelled at a lot. You know, I know they weren't yelling at me. But it felt like it was at me," Colbert joked. "I did simulated fire exercises with M16s with blanks in it … I made a mistake. I ran out of bullets. And naturally I surrendered, and I apologized to the other side." He did not disclose which base or bases he would visit during his stay in the Persian Gulf, saying the US military does not allow him to.

Truthiness

Steven Colbert has become a force to be reckoned with.

I intend to dedicate this blog to little known facts about the man, documented by some fun photos along the way.

I hope you enjoy yourself....